Archie’s Auto
by Infiniti Z
Summary: *COMPLETE* The first ever All in the Family fanfic on FanFiction.net! Fed up with New York's subways, Archie decides to buy a car.
1. Done With Subways

All in the Family: Archie's Auto

By: ZerOmegaDark

***

PART ONE

***

It is another evening in the Bunker household. Edith is in the living room placing the dinner on the table as she does every night. Gloria is already home from work and Mike is home from college. However, one member of the family is still missing. Edith is concerned as Archie has not yet come home from work and she has never known him to be so late for dinner. Gloria is coming down the stairs and smells the food as she does. 

"Mmmm...Ma, that smells delicious."

"Oh, thank you Gloria."

"Daddy still isn't home?"

A concerned look comes over Edith's face.

"No...he's been late every day this week, but never this late."

Gloria tries to put her at ease.

"Ma, I'm sure it's nothing to be concerned about. He'll be home soon, you'll see."

Edith feels very little less worry.

"I hope so, Gloria."

Mike comes downstairs and notices that he's heard no door slam nor has he seen any cigar smoke.

"Archie still isn't home?"

Gloria answers him. "No, this really isn't like him. Can you think of why he might be this late?"

"I don't know. Maybe he had other _affairs_ to tend to," he jokes.

"Michael!" she snaps and silently directs his attention towards Edith.

Mike hadn't noticed Edith there at first and realizes the joke was in bad taste.

"Oh boy, uh...sorry Ma, I was just kidding." He smiles uneasily.

"It's all right, Mike."

She is now even more worried.

Just then, Archie walks through the front door visibly agitated and produces one of his loudest door slams yet.

"Archieeeeeee...you're ho..." Edith rushes to greet him but then gets a good look at his face and stops about halfway. She is apprehensive to ask the question she about to but does anyway.

"How was your day?"

Archie just stares at her for a second then talks.

"Edith...you know that day I got that Kraut shrapnel in my rear end during W.W. II -- the big one?"

"Yeah?"

"...and when Gloria married the Meathead?"

"Yeah?"

"...and when the Jeffersons moved in next door?"

"Yeah."

"Well, Edith...if you mixed all of them days together, they'd still make a better day than the day I've had today."

"Oh..."

"Daddy, why are so late?" Gloria asks as Archie hangs up his hat and coat.

"Little girl, it's all because of them damn subways. They're tighter than a Jew's purse strings."

Gloria and Mike look at him with disgust at the comment. Archie continues ranting as he walks to the dinner table.

"Boy, I gotta tell youse all something. I can not stand them subways no more. First, you gotta go down a dark stairway where it feels like you're walking into a grave. Then you wait on a crowded platform where one of three things'll happen to ya: a - you'll get pick pocketed, b - you'll get pushed onto the tracks, or c - you'll get some kind of bodily fluid on ya. The ladder happens most often. Next, when the damn subway car finally comes, look out! It's a mad dash inside and if ya move too slow, you get trampled. Then if you're still alive, you gotta sit next to weirdoes, nutjobs, and fags. But the final thing that broke the camel's straw today was when the car broke down on the tracks and couldn't move for about a half hour."

"Oh, my." Edith says in pity for Archie.

"Yeah, and it still ain't over because when you're out of the subway, ya still gotta walk a good way home where you'll be lucky if ya don't get mugged."

"Gosh, Daddy no wonder you were late."

"Hey Arch, I really don't care for the subways either, but what are you gonna do? I mean you have to get from 'point A' to 'point B' somehow."

"I tell you what I'm gonna do, Meathead. _I _am gonna buy me a car. That way I can get from 'point A' to 'point B, C and D' there."

Mike looks at Archie questioningly.

"How are _you _going to afford a car?"

"Well first, I am something a certain Polack in this house is not -- employed."

Mike looks at him in angered exasperation.

"And second, I've been saving for this for quite a while. I've got quite a bit of dough stashed for this occasion here."

Edith seems excited at the prospect of a new car.

"Oh my, a new car would come in handy when I go grocery shopping."

"Hold it Edith, now I don't know about that. I mean if there's one thing New York don't need, it's a dingbat behind the wheel clogging up the artereries of the trafficways."

Gloria jumps in to Edith's defense.

"That's not fair, Daddy. If you can drive the car, Ma should able be to drive it too."

"Listen little girl, everybody knows that women are worser drivers than men."

"What?!"

"Certainly! It's because they're always applying that -- what do ya call -- masked carrot on their eyes and rogue on their faces while they're driving, causing all kinds of jams and accidents."

Gloria and Edith look in disbelief of what he is saying.

"Hey, it's a well-known fact, look it up."

Mike changes the subject.

"So Arch, what kind of car do you want to get?"

"Ah, I really don't care as long as it is in good condition...and American."

"Why American?"

Archie gives Mike a strange look.

"What the hell do ya mean, 'Why American'? Because American is always best is why, Meathead."

"Arch, foreign cars are just as good. Take Datsun or Toyota."

Archie looks at Mike dismissively.

"Are you kidding me? Jap cars as good as red-blooded American cars? They can't hold a candle to 'em."

"Oh really? Would you care to place a wager on that?"

"Buddy, I'd wager my life on it."

A sly grin appears on Mike's face.

"All right, I'll you what. Gloria and I will buy a Japanese car and you and Ma can buy a American car in the same condition. Whoever's car has the least problems over...say six months, wins the bet."

Archie develops a smug look.

"Listen to this guy. All right big shot, how much money you wanna lose?."

"Uh...let's say 20 bucks."

"Twenty bucks? You're on."

The two men shake hands as the two women look at each other with a feeling of dread.

***

end part one


	2. At The Dealership

All in the Family: Archie's Auto

By: ZerOmegaDark

***

PART TWO

***

_*It is the next morning and the whole family less Archie is downstairs getting ready to eat breakfast. Edith has just placed the last of it on the table and is now in the kitchen. Mike and Gloria are sitting at the table. Archie is just coming downstairs now.*_

"Well, if it isn't sleeping beauty," Mike comments.

Archie gives him a dirty look.

"Shut up, you."

"Daddy, I think Michael just meant you got up kind of later than usual," says Gloria.

"Of course. I hadda make up for some of the sleep I didn't get last night."

"Oh, you didn't sleep well, Daddy?"

"No! It's because of your mother, there!"

"Ma? What'd _she_ do?"

"It's what she _didn't_ do, little girl. She didn't clip her toenails and her feet were clawing at my legs all night! Geez, it was like being in bed with a cheese grater!"

Mike and Gloria can only laugh as Edith comes from the kitchen.

"Oh, good morning Archie!"

"Listen, Edith, do me a favor, huh?"

"Sure, what Archie?"

"Don't go to bed unless you're fully clipped."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean your nails, Edith! You almost peeled the skin of my legs last night!"

Edith gives him an apologetic look.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Archie."

Gloria changes the subject.

"So Daddy, are you ready to go car shopping?"

"You bet I am, little girl. I am going to get a quality machine."

"You still intend on buying an American one?"

"I certainly do."

"Are you gonna buy something from Ford," Mike asks.

"Oh, I didn't know the vice president sold cars," says Edith.

Mike and Gloria look at her in bewilderment and Archie hangs his head in exasperation.

"Edith, can't you wait till after I've had coffee to go into dingbat mode?"

"No, Ma, not _that_ Ford. I mean the Ford Motor Company. They make cars." Mike corrects her.

"Ohhhhhhh..."

"Anyways, Meathead, it don't matter what brand I buy because it'll outlast any Jap piece of junk youse two buy."

"We'll just see about that."

_~later that day~_

_*The entire family is at Honest Bob's New & Used Cars. Archie and Edith are looking at American cars while Gloria and Mike look at Japanese made autos. Archie is experiencing slight sticker-shock at some of the prices the American cars.*_

"_God_...will you look at the prices of these things? Why did we have to come to this place here?"

"Arch, it was the closest car place. The next one is more than twenty miles from home."

"All right, but did we have to buy cars from a guy whose 'Honest'?"

"But Archie, ain't it _good_ if he's honest," asks Edith.

"Will you wake up, Edith? It should be oblivious even to you that if a car salesman says he's honest...then he ain't!"

"Oh, quit griping, Daddy. We're here to look for cars, so let's just do that."

"Ahhhhh...," Archie groans dismissively.

_*A few moments later, Honest Bob comes out of his office and approaches the family.*_

"Hiya folks, I'm Honest Bob of Honest Bob's New & Used Cars. Can I help you with anything?"

"Yeah, we're actually looking for a new car," Mike says.

"Oh, isn't that nice? A young married couple looking for their first automobile. Well, I think I have just what you're looking for. Right this way."

Bob directs them to a new car. Archie and Edith follow.

"Here we are. A brand-new Volkswagen Beetle, fresh out of the factory."

"Volkswagen," asks Archie. "That's German ain't it?"

"Yes, sir."

"This is the car that those hippies and fags are driving, right?"

Bob looks at Archie uneasily.

"Yes...sir."

"Are you telling me the _Krauts_ made a faggelish car like _this_? I would have never guessed it. Irrecardless, Meathead if you got any respect for your maleness, you won't be caught dead driving this thing."

"Uh, we're actually looking for a Japanese car anyway, Mr...Bob."

"Oh, of course. I have something perfect for you right over here."

Bob shows them a sporty looking car.

"Here is a very popular model, the Datsun 280z. 2.8-liter engine, 150 horsepower..."

Edith looked confused.

" I don't see you could fit _one_ horse in there; let alone 150."

Archie turns to her and gives her a annoyed look.

"It's just like a suitcase, Edith. They just sit on the hood and lock it tight."

Honest Bob wraps up telling the details to Mike and Gloria.

"...all for Honest Bob's special price: $4500."

"Wow. Hey, Gloria that's not bad and Datsun's a very respectable company."

"Yeah. I think we'll take it."

"Well Bob, you've got yourself a deal."

"Terrific! Shall we go to my office and write up the paperwork?"

"Oh, in a minute, Bob. First, I'd like to see what car my father-in-law wants to get."

"All right, wise guy. C'mon Edith, let's take a look over here."

_*Archie and Edith look at different American cars for a while. Archie is having trouble finding anything in his price range.*_

"Hey Bob, there! Ain't you got nothing American here that won't put me in debt?"

"Well sir, how much are you looking to spend?"

Archie writes a figure on a check showing his limit.

"About this much here."

Bob looks at the figure, throws a look at Archie, looks at the figure again, and looks at Archie again.

"_This_ is your _limit_?"

"Yeah...give or take a buck."

Bob grins.

"I think I have something right up _your_ alley, Mr. Bunker."

Archie chuckles and ribs Mike.

"You're gonna wet your pants when you see the beauty I'm getting, Meathead."

While Archie turns to talk to Edith about their new car, Mike and Gloria see the car Bob brings out for Archie.

"I think _you_ might wet _yours_, Arch."

Archie gives him a puzzled look.

"Huh?"

Archie sees the car.

"_What?!_"

***

end part two


	3. The Winner

All in the Family: Archie's Auto

By: ZerOmegaDark

***

PART THREE

***

_*Later that day, the family drives home in their cars. Mike and Gloria walk through the front door laughing while Archie walks through with his usual "mad-at-the-world" expression on his face. Edith follows behind.*_

"Boy Arch, that sure is a quality machine you got there," Mike jokes.

"Clam up, Meathead."

"Daddy, don't take it out on Michael just because a Pinto was all you could afford."

"I think it's very cute," Edith comments.

"Ah, what do you know? You'd find something to like in a garbage dump."

"Michael and I like our car just fine. It's very sporty."

"Well listen, I ain't gotta win no race with that car, it just has to hold up better than yours."

"I''m telling you Arch, Japanese cars are generally of a higher quality than American cars."

"And I'm telling _you_ that that car I got there will outlast that Jap piece of machinery youse two wasted your money on. For instance, let me show youse something. C'mere."

_Archie leads the family outside to the cars, the Datsun in front of the Ford. Archie walks up to the Datsun._

"All right, take a look at this paint job here. Look how dull this paint is. Now look over here."

_He instructs them to the Ford._

"Now look at _this_ paint job. Tons better, Meathead. True American quality."

_As he taps the hood of the car to emphasize the words in his last sentence, a chunk of paint about the size of his hand comes off and bare metal is exposed._

"True American quality, Arch."

_Annoyed, Archie kicks the car's tire...and the hubcap comes off...and the tire starts deflating. Infuriated, Archie bangs his fist on the hood and puts a dent in it as well as taking more paint off. Gloria and Edith decide they have seen enough of the spectacle and go back inside. Mike walks up to Archie, Archie gives him 20 dollars, and Mike goes inside as well. Archie sighs and looks at the car._

"Maybe I'll take the subway tomorrow." Archie says to himself.

***

_the end_


End file.
